Choices. Every day we are faced with so many, and we do our best to make decisions that serve us well. But how do we move forward in those times when we feel heavy with self judgement, confusion or fear? How do we know if we are being trusting or impulsive, wise or controlling? How do we act in the highest interest of ourselves and others in our relationships and our careers?
In my work of offering intuited counseling, clients cannot always come to me in person and so we meet by phone or online. The following is an excerpt from the transcript of an msn session with a young woman who enquires about an incident in her life.
J asks…i’m not sure if i was just acting out of fear so im confused… i feel like i dont know how to trust myself anymore and how to distinguish between something nourishing and not nourishing for me… i’m confused…
Cynthia says: It is a great challenge sometimes to sort it all out, which are instincts that I should listen to, which is my fear, how do I open my heart when I feel so sure I may be hurt again..
J says: ya this has been so confusing…. fear …instincts… i dont know what’s what sometimes..
Cynthia says: Something that can be a very helpful guideline is to remember that when you are aware of inner guidance that serves your highest self, you will feel relaxed, you will feel that you are being lifted to a higher place. Conversely when you are reacting in fear, there is a heaviness in the body, fogginess in the mind, pain in the heart. Sometimes the fear is so great that it seems impossible to let clear guidance come through, and then it is wise to spend time with the fear itself, talk to it, listen to it, give it a chance to be felt fully and then released. Don’t make decisions from a fearful place, but let yourself have the complete experience so you can release it when you are done.
Guidance from our highest self is easy, comes freely and beautifully. Control that arises from fear makes us feel irritable, uncomfortable, doubtful and reluctant, and it kills joy, so it is wise to take the time to be with yourself before communicating with another – let yourself rise to the higher place, and then do not hesitate to speak the truth. You cannot go wrong.
In all of these ventures, you are well served by opening your heart. An open heart does not make you more vulnerable to wounding, it actually strengthens you and lets pain flow off you like a water fall. You will feel, yes, and if there is heartache to be expressed it will come, but it will not hurt the same way that fear hurts. It is a much gentler, more nourishing process. Does this feel true for you?
J says: ya it definitely does. This makes perfect sense. So did i respond out of fear in this situation… i feel like i didn’t feel good at first, then i felt good, then i didn’t feel good..
Cynthia says: Yes, this experience has been given so that you can begin to explore standing in your own power with clarity and without doubt. It takes time to develop this skill.. it’s like building a muscle and often when we think we have it, something happens to make us feel we have made a mistake, to question ourselves, but there are no mistakes. You are simply honing your sense of direction and clarity of purpose. And of course, as you become more clear and less afraid in yourself, you will attract a whole different experience with others. You won’t be afraid to speak of what you see. It won’t scare you if you don’t know what others are thinking because you will know what you think.. and that is what counts. Questions?
J says: i’m having a problem deciding what i think and this is affecting every part of my life. i’m constantly wavering..
Cynthia says: Yes.. you are more afraid of your own confusion than of the confusions of others. You are afraid you will let yourself down.
J says: ya that is true. yes..
Cynthia says: And this of course would be the ultimate betrayal. So the judgement is of the self, but the frustration and anger is directed at others because they put you in this position, of feeling this way. The wonderful thing about this awareness, is that it returns your power to you. There is no one else who is in control of your own faith, clarity and self love. Only you are.
J says: but im soooo afraid of failing myself… of finding myself in a position again where i feel like i should have known better..
Cynthia says: Yes, of course love. This is a deep source of pain. And this is the feeling to explore. It will lead you to tremendous growth. You are worthy of your own forgiveness, over and over and over, if necessary. You deserve every chance, every encouragement, every permission to try again and to see that you have never failed yourself.. that is the illusion.
J says: but i feel like every time i find myself in that spot… that place… it proves all my worst fears true – how did this happen again? it must have happened because i deserve it? i created it? it’s true..
Cynthia says: There is the illusion, spoken with great clarity. “because I deserve it..” What you deserve is all love, all trust, all joy. Why would you be different from any other child of god? This is the nature of being, of love, and it is as true for you as for anyone. Picture yourself as a small child, your child, your baby. Hold yourself in your arms and see the purity in you. Know the love that you would give this beautiful, beautiful girl. She is an aspect of god.. she can do no wrong. She lives in trust, and all she asks is that you see this in her, see the truth of her. It is only the ego that challenges this understanding.
The purity of you knows your worthiness, and your grace. It is as simple as repeatedly calling this into your awareness, as you are feeling doubt. Observe what you are feeling, do not judge it, but see it for what it is. Feel this in your heart. Do not give energy to trying to sort it out with your mind. Once you are less afraid of making a mistake, your sense of Self, your clarity and decisiveness will rise dramatically. You will give yourself permission.
J says: i’ve been confused with what direction in life to go in….so this is definitely applicable. im having a hard time discerning when to be open with my path and when to just step forward with some direction. I’m confused with how much control im trying to put into my decisions for my future? so again im going back and forth…..i hold myself back because i dont know what direction to take….but then im just living in fear….but then maybe i get too controlling and try to contol my direction and then i freak out and go back to not doing anything.
Cynthia says: For you the most important focus is surrender to joy. It is not about trying, it is about being. What fills you up, makes you feel warm in your belly, lights up your eyes? Follow these feelings and from this place make your decisions. And when challenge and self doubt come again, let yourself know the source of the pain and then consciously open to what fills you up again. It is always a cycle at first, until the moments of surrender to joy get longer and longer. But you need to begin with this, to err on the side of trusting and pleasing the self first. It is never a matter of control, because awareness leads you forward from joy to joy. Doubt becomes easier and easier to recognize. If you are not in joy, you are in illusion.
You are always choosing in perfection. It cannot be otherwise. And the more you let yourself believe this and observe this, the more the truth of it will play out in your life to see. It is not about changing the circumstance, but rather seeing it differently. You are already very capable of this process. It is within your understanding and your grasp. It’s a wonderful, wonderful thing. Makes dreams come true.
J says: ok i do understand. So basically i have to continue working on practices that bring out my own clarity by finding out what brings me joy, etc, and then that clarity will be mirrored back to me in my life..
Cynthia says: Yes. It is through giving yourself permission for joy that you will find the springboard for authentic action. And when it happens it will feel good, and easy. You have lifetimes of shame and denial to undo. Like so many souls.
J says: i keep getting trapped in a cycle of fear where once i feel like i let myself down then i feel ashamed then i feel like this is never going to go away and well it’s all just fear at every turn talking when i’m in that mode..
Cynthia says: Yes. These are the moments to be the observer. Don’t try to deny the fear, or send it away. Just look at it. Look at yourself feeling the fear. Look at her and love her. Be patient, and see if there is anything new the fear has to teach you this time. This observance will in time let a crack of sunshine in, and with that, take a moment to ask yourself about joy.. what would bring it to you? Often moving physically can help. Singing. Music. Fresh air. A bath. Journaling. Crying. But always watching, and watching how as you let yourself think of what brings you joy… it brings you joy.
Doesn’t have to be complicated. It’s a cleansing. Opening the curtains on a sunny day. But we so often underestimate the power of these small joys in our life. We think they don’t count, that we don’t have time for them, that we don’t deserve them. It’s a perfect place for deserving to start. Remember, all patterns are blinding when they are ours. We cannot see when we cannot see. But we can feel, and we can observe our feelings, and this observance will in time grant us the distance to create the awareness of the illusion. And that’s all we really need.
J says: thank you. Our patterns are so imbedded… i find it funny when i see my pattern and still respond to it from within my pattern… then i step out and acknowledge the one that observed all of that and thats where i find my observer, the strong one..
Cynthia says: Yes.. but what you describe is a powerful level of awareness. It’s the key to freedom. These lives of ours are not about escaping pain, but learning to walk in grace, and then we experience pain differently – it does not “hurt” the same way…
To set up an msn session with Cynthia (Adi Kanda) please write email@example.com://www.cynthialong.ca