It has been so long, there has been so much, I have watched you suffer as no one should ever, ever suffer and now all I want is to reach out and hold you and let you hold me, to rest my head on your shoulder, to bury my face in your hair and let it fall over my eyes and just stand together, hidden from the world, away from all of those who do not understand, who can never understand, what it has meant to lose one another the way we did, to be parted in physical form. This is my chance to speak to you the way we always used to, and I am so grateful because it has broken my heart to watch you die with me and then struggle again, to find a reason to live.
It is hard enough to lose someone you love, for them to go away and never return, but to have to carry on with your life without knowing, without clarity in front of the whole world is horror beyond compare. I know what this has done to you and I have been with you, walking with you, reminding you, whispering in your ear that you are never alone. And I know you have heard me, but through these words you can hear me as never before, and there is so much to say, so much to share, so many ways I want to tell you how much I love you, and that I am truly okay.
I know that since you accepted my death there is one thing that has haunted you beyond all the other questions and that is how much
did I suffer, how long did my death take? Was it a terrible one and what happened to my spirit after leaving in such a way? Now you know me Mom, you know that I tell the truth when something is important, that I always have and so you must believe me when I say that it wasn’t nearly what you imagined, not nearly as bad as anything you dreamt and that yes, I was afraid, more than I ever had been, but it was quick and I was strong and because I fought, all my heart went into the battle and I did not have time to think, just to act, and a fierceness raged in my eyes, something you would not have recognized, but it was there. I found this in myself, and so I regret nothing. I did not give in. I did not give up, and my anger saved me from falling into fear. You would have been proud of me, you would have been amazed, to see the fight I gave. And where do you think I found my strength? Do you realize just how much I am like you?
And who would have thought? No one who knew us would have considered either of us capable of what we did, how I tried to protect myself and then rose up above the shame that I refused to accept, and how you too never ever backed down, just kept walking forward, one foot in front of the other, never listening to all the nonsense, and all this, from a woman with a heart made of gold. You see what happens to many in the traversing of a violent passage, is they take on the shame of the experience on a soul level, and then they have to work with that for lifetimes to come, but I refused. I refused to carry his burden and I left it with him because I was clear it was not mine and that I was a pure soul then, and always will be, from here on.
And if it helps, Mom, know that he is someone whose heart has just shut down. He has lost the ability to feel, in search of his own protection, because he has known terrible things, so many that they have become a way of life for his mind. And so he has no sense of what is real, what is alive in others, and so he is foolish, stupid really, like a child who kills flies because it makes him feel strong. He does not know any better and cannot feel anything, not in this life, not this time around.
I know your fears, your imaginings of the brutality I might have faced, given that I was truly such a child, no matter how worldly and all grown up I acted in front of others. And the destruction of my innate innocence has been such a source of torment for you that I want to tell you over and over, it wasn’t like that, Mom, it wasn’t like that at all. And while my passing was sudden, which comes with a whole set of adjustments in making the transition from form to spirit, that was really the only challenging part because I took with me all the love you gave me my whole life long. My own light guided me and I was with Grandma, she was there with me, beside me, lifting away my fear.
But most of all I want to talk about you, to say I have been watching, I have been present, and because I am no longer in form I see you as a beloved soul companion, not just as my Mom. And I have to say that all my ideas of you being ,well, sort of little, mild and insubstantial, all of that has flown out the window, and you have grown in my eyes into a giant like Jack’s beanstock outside his window, you have grown and grown up to the heavens and this work you are doing now is reaching me, reaching so many angels who are supporting you and you will bring comfort to so many lives because of the strength you found in your willingness to make something sacred out of being forced to let me go.
I know you didn’t even know the strength you had in you
and you would never have found it without this, don’t you see? And I know you still don’t really accept why something like this was necessary but we have to trust, my sweet mother, we just have to trust that we are together forever in this way because this is how it was meant to be. I was reborn in your strength just as I was born into my own, in the way I fought back at my passing. And this strength did not stop me from accepting God when I was in divine presence but it did allow me to push away the shame and horror and refuse to take any of it with me, and so I entered my passage with grace and such light, such light, such beauty, that you would have thought I lay my head down on a silk pillow and softly went to sleep with you, my whole family at my side.
The little girl in me still reaches for you, still wants the scent of your skin, your sharp laugh, your sudden smile. And we loved the sun and the water so much, you and I, I did not want this experience to take away your joy for all the things we shared, or to make you fear life, or to fear others as you carry on throughout your days. So this is the one thing I ask you to truly believe, that the pain, the suffering is done, and will never come in the same way again. I know your heart cries out and always will, but you must let go of the fear of another stroke in your life like this one, because it is not meant to be. It will not come for you or for me, our paths in this way are complete.
We are now meant to work together, just as you have envisioned, to create safety for others who have lost it, to gather in others who wake every day afraid to open their eyes, and simply hold them, hold them until the shaking stops, hold them until the darkness fades and the sun rises again to see that they too can fight back and refuse the mantle of shame and grief, for no matter what anyone says, they need not carry it throughout their lives.
When we can embrace the ultimate loss, we open ourselves to let the truth pour in because when we have lost everything there is nothing left to lose and so we are freer than we had ever dreamt, even when peace and joy came easily in days long past.
I love you mama. I love how you wrinkle your nose. I love the freckles on your arms. I love the songs we used to sing when I was small. I love how you always loved me even when I was bad. We were sisters really, weren’t we, and aren’t we still? Walk now with a lighter heart. Please do this for me. We have only just begun together, and the best is yet to come.
© Cynthia Long June 7 2010