EARTHLY EYES – Letter from the Deceased

(July 25 08)

Part 1  

from a deceased man to his wife…

Who would have thought
that given a chance
to speak with you now
I would feel shyness
but I do
I travel back so far
beyond all the recent years
beyond all the troubles
we encountered
in our attempts
to make life work
to make it fit our dreams…
To a place
when I first saw you
when I first looked up
and witnessed your beauty
and I knew
that you would be my inspiration
like the painting
that hangs over the stair
a moment caught in time
of your skin
your bones
your exquisite eyes
so much my answer
so fully the friend and partner
that I awaited
and now
had found

Perhaps it is not simply
a memory
but rather a truth
when I realize
that all we wished to build
all we attempted to represent
was worthless
in a way
was nothing
in the face
of what we came to encounter
And the deep expectation
the training that runs in me
from father to father
so long
I know nothing else
all of it
was no use to me
when it came to my heart
and the separation I felt
when we realized
I must leave

I grieve
my dearest love
I blush
in my weakness
to be so revealed
but I do
I grieve
the years I wasted at your side
not seeing you
not touching you
as I could have
not knowing
that what was most important to me
would end
and what meant nothing
would go on
a laughing testament
to my human confusions
and the wisdom
that came too late
in the end

But please
do not let this knowledge
break your heart again
but rather
receive it as the gift
it is meant to be
Feel now
the slow and gentle kiss
upon your cheek
feel now
my fingers
upon the back of your hand
the honouring
of my woman
my wife
my beloved
who tried so hard
to find her own way
to help me see
and yet I was too stubborn
too determined
to let her in

And yes
of course
the soul does not weep
Only our earthly eyes
believe in tears
Only our fear
lets us travel to regret
and apology
But I speak this
from the place I inhabit now
not yet
in the world of forgiveness
not yet
in the freedom of heaven
for I am still climbing
still unfolding
my layers of Self
as I make the transition
from your world
to what will be mine

I have never been
not in any life
an easy man
I have never taken anything lightly
never walked softly
never laughed easily
I have not yet found
a means of expressing
the great love
that lives in my heart
I have tried
oh I have tried
in my own ways
but from this place
I see
above all your beauty
and the simplicity
of what we had
before we tried to make it
so much more
before my own need
became the dictator
of our lives
and our sons

But of course
I see
that you realize
how all this
was love
all this
was the form of my love
my own attempt at grace
to create what was in my heart
all around me
not knowing
not understanding
that I could so easily
have shared it all
in so very few words

So here
I have a chance
and I give them to you now
my beloved and faithful wife
to tell you
that I honour you
I thank you
I have never met
another woman
who came close to you
and what you meant to me
and I wish only
that I had told you of my love
every day
of my life

Your grief
is mine
your loss
is mine
and from this closeness
I now feel
I beg you
to take these truths
about your beauty
onward in your life
and please
give to yourself
the joy I offer you now
give to yourself
the freedom
the resolution
the acceptance
I could not find
because it is all yours
all this and more
is what you deserve
and any other memories
any other words
that have passed between us
are gone
in the realization
that we were blessed
with a great love
one that will forever
live on

In these days
I walk with you still
and wait
for your reply
We are two
that have the chance
to become one
and it is this healing
that will set us both free

Feel me
grant me
your new joy
and I will travel
to my next world
a happy man

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