EXPANSION AND CONTRACTION IN THE DANCE OF LOVE

Dear Adi.. 
… please tell me about what is going on with the new man in my life. What does he really feel about me?   from CHASING JOY


(from his highest self..)

…So you come along

and you have this thing
this vibration that is stronger
than what I’m used to in girls
And the part of me that wants to wake up
just loves it
loves the feel of that vibration
cause I tell you
that part of me is hungry to feel
to live
to vibrate too
to stand in the sun
instead of the fog
all the time
But there’s another part of me
that gets scared very fast
in an unconscious way
a part that says
waaaait a minute
hold on
there’s no hurry here
to go somewhere unfamiliar
when I can just mosey along
the way I always have
without stirring up dust
on the path
So you are both things
to me
the part that hungers
and the part that pushes away
and there is lots of old conditioning
for the pushing away part
cause girls
women
are dangerous territory in general
when it comes to emotions
We guys want them
but not if it means
we have to feel the pain
of opening our hearts
I’d do just about anything
to avoid that
So the part of me that yearns to be a man
wants to dance with you
and the part of me
that is still a little boy
wants to run away from you
big, beautiful, scary woman that you are
afraid
that you’ll scoop up that little boy
and it will be like being
back with mama again
and I’d rather be in control of myself
than have her hanging on to me
in that way
that makes me seem small
I feel badly
saying all this
because I can look into your eyes
and see the power in you
see the wise one in you
and that’s part of my hunger
to let myself know
that part of you
more and more
And when I admit to my fear
my weakness
I push you away
and that makes it even more scary
because I don’t want you mad at me
and if my little boy has his way
he’ll disappoint you
over and over
and that won’t make either of us
very happy
will it
Not for long
I hate feeling guilty
because that’s another very weak place
a soggy place
where the heart feels as if it will drown
so I push those feelings under quickly
and claim my right
as a man
to keep you at a safe distance
if that’s what I need
to stick to the plan…
from FIRE IN THE RAIN, June 22/09
Dearest CHASING JOY..
What do men really want?? Is it that he’s just not that into me? Why do men come on strong one minute, and then pull away the next??
You and your new man are in the midst of a classic dance that many couples do when they first connect. There is so much to be discovered in the early days of a relationship, not the least of which are the patterns of fear and loss that both partners carry, and not just from past romances but on a cellular level. We can name or define these however we choose – the terminology is not as important as our understanding of the power of the unconscious.
We believe our relationships exist in our lives to bring us joy, pleasure and companionship, and while this is true to some extent, a much deeper purpose underlies our intimate connections. Yes we are drawn to a partner because of aspects of their physicality, personality and energy that attract us, but we are also pulled toward their woundings and their fears, because whether we know it or not, we have embodied on this planet to heal our hearts and learn about Love.
Adolescence is really a process of stepping into an adult world while at the same time we learn to hide the little child inside. Then in our adult lives we discover an ongoing opportunity to work with that denied small one, to recognize them, to witness their process, and eventually to liberate the part of us that feels small, powerless and afraid.
Your man is expressing this unconscious confusion as he responds to your own awakening power. A part of him loves the feeling, and a part of him is frightened off by the vulnerability you inspire. This pattern of expansion and retraction is fundamental to the dance of intimacy, and just having this awareness alone can work wonders.
Begin by watching your own responses. When he opens up to you, what do you feel in your own heart? Is it a safe feeling, or is there a part of you that also wants to retreat?  When he pulls away from you, how does that feel? Do you experience feelings of rejection, abandonment, worthlessness? Are you able to separate these feelings from the experience itself and recognize that it’s just his little boy talking? Can each of you begin to recognize when the other is in love or in fear?
These are the fundamentals of building an ongoing, conscious relationship, and you are never too young to begin. One day you will reach a place of such comfort in your own well being that the fears of others won’t feel threatening, and doors will open to a new kind of romance – one not predicated on a fear of loss.
The key is in the practice of being the observer, and in choosing to honour your emotional responses while never blaming them on someone else. This kind of empowerment will free you forever from feeling victimized in relationships, and open new doors to your experiences of love. Never a better time to begin, than the now!
much love,
ADI KANDA