TO BE LOVED – Guidance for a man seeking relationship

A man asks, tell me about my desire to be in relationship…


Dear one
you reach for the all
you open toward that which you have not known
and we welcome you in this quest
with the encouragement that you are now ready
to see
that which has up until this time
remained unseen


All is perfect
all is as it should be
and this is true for what is past
and what lies ahead
so as you question
and you witness this time as a new birth
prepare yourself to love yourself
all of yourself
including every hidden shadow
in order to set yourself free


From your earliest days
yours has been a soul who has known love
sought love
and experienced life with elegance and grace
You have always been comfortable with love
considered it almost as an ownership
a right
that once recognized by others
could never be denied
And yet this understanding of love
has drawn you to travel territories
cross muddy fields and wander cold mountains
And often the experience 
in the long run
has become one of solitude
of disconnection
and of loss


Over and over again
you have found yourself frustrated
lonely
confused by the inability of others to grasp
all that you hold within your heart
when you know
you know so powerfully
that your love is true


And so we ask you
what is it that is shown to you
when the door closes
when the silence comes?
What is it that is brought to you
when love seems to leave
when emptiness returns and you wonder
how is it
I am once again
so misunderstood?


Dear heart
it is time
it is time a thousand times over
for a new recognition to come
and this awareness
has but one beginning
and one ending
and you must know
that it lies utterly
within you


Each of us
have known blindness in our lives
hours, days, weeks
we could not
or would not see
and until we are truly prepared
to admit the light
all is darkness
and no candle can penetrate
what we have imprinted so firmly
the ways our broken hearts
have commanded our eyes
not to reveal


And when blindness comes
all too often
our response is to adapt
rather than to heal
and so when the courage
to face our reasons for hiding in the dark
may not be found
instead we learn to cope
and our other senses
our touch, our taste
our hearing
grow stronger in compensation
and we are glad of this
and proud of ourselves
until we focus all our attention
on our other heightened senses
and pay no attention
to what remains unhealed


And yes
these sensitivities may be wonderful
and isn’t it remarkable
that you can detect the scent of a woman
from across the room
but if you remain unwilling to actually see her
really and truly see her
then this blindness becomes a choice
a means to self protection
and every relationship that develops from it
will grow into imbalance
for the blindness is not a lack of vision
it is of the heart
the denial of the heart
a personal pain that seems so large
it cannot be revealed


At times
this level of wounding is so great
and hidden so well
that the perception we have of ourselves
is that we hold no wound
that there is no weakness
only frustrating bad luck
and so we keep reaching with our aching fingers
we listen intently with our anxious ears
we lift our faces toward the warmth of what may come
forever hoping that perfection will find its way beneath our blindness
till we can heave a sigh of relief
and our work
will finally be done


In consideration of this
you of the loving soul
we ask you to stand back
far enough back
that you may travel to an early day
when the very small boy
learned all that he now knows
about the capturing
of love


For indeed he knew love
at times even a smothering love
but never without expectation
never without a game that must be played
and he learned from a very young age
that he could control the love he needed
like a trained animal learns how to get food
by pushing the right button
doing the right trick
and then finally receiving
his just reward
This pattern was so deeply ingrained
that it became an entire frame of reference
a world view
to the young man as he grew
and he did not question it
did not consider that it may be flawed
but rather continued to attempt to implement it
as a way to establish relationships
over and over again


And the essence of this perspective
is rooted in a very child-like need
a sense of the self as a marker
for how all others are asked to respond
The world must come to the table
for this is the meal that is being served


And this air of gentle confidence
is so firmly projected
that it does convince
for the heart’s desire for love is true
and yet
because it is based in unmet need
there can be no escape
no stability
no real honesty
because the seed of it all
the very beginning
is framed in a simple exchange
of hunger and response
and the greater love
the truer Love
has not yet
been found


We offer this perspective
softly
and yet with firmness
believing that at this time
there is a new readiness to understand
to see that mastery is often found
in a willingness to return
to the most basic principles
with a new humility
one that slips beneath the practiced defenses
of a whole lifetime
of seeking for love


So perhaps this can be defined
as the moment of admission
that we know nothing of love –
it is an ongoing experiment
an eternal waking up
that must always begin
with the willingness to open our eyes
and look first of all
into the mirror
of our own fears


And of course the paradox is
that this takes nothing away
from the deep well of great love
that does indeed live
within your heart
for it waits
it waits ever so patiently
for you yourself to discover
the power of humble forgiveness
for the small and wounded Self


So the next time
you are given opportunity
to initiate connection
with a woman
a friend
begin with observation
of the old habits
and allow the gentle suggestion
that there may be
a new way


What if
you were not the one who knows
but rather one who simply watches and asks?
What if
instead of offering counsel
you were instead
to listen and learn?
What if you were to see
the possibilities of the power
in the woman who stands before you
as well as the truth of your own wholeness and independence
so that instead of an exchange of need
there is simply a mutual respect
an “inter”- dependence that may grow
in a way that nourishes
rather than hungers
strengthens in mutual balance
rather than the cultivation of
one child
caretaking the other child
until both become enfeebled
by the intersection of hidden wounds


And to come to this place
the little one that lives in you
must first be given permission
to tell the truth
in ways he has never before
To admit to his fears
his terror
the cruelty he has known
all that he keeps beneath
a grown up face of dignity
for until he is blessed
by the liberation of self honesty
the man
the passionate loving heart of the man
cannot go forth in health and vibrancy
and meet his match


Know that
the urge to be present with children
is also an expression of your own child
the seeking of opportunity
to repair
what is indeed your own experience of lack
and while the love is real
that you express for the children of others
let it not be a distraction
from the one who needs it the most
that little boy you once were
who was so sternly taught
imbalanced lessons
about love


In every way
every relationship you attract
will be a reflection of this embedded need
to be loved
and all the unconscious means
that up until now have seemed necessary
to achieve a satisfying connection
So long as these patterns remain hidden
and you continue to walk
in an agreement with blindness
honesty remains at bay
and disappointment and betrayal
will come to roost


Instead
we ask you to understand
in a way that is completely new
that you are deserving
have always been deserving of love
and that nothing is asked of you
to be recognized
as a shining child of god


The path toward this peace
is a constant vigilance
a minute to minute observation
of old habits
the ways you have found
to charm and entertain
to present a self
that you hope will be compelling
and stir an equal need
in the one you seek to attract


Healthy connection
lives above and beyond need
for when we are rooted safely
in our own permission for love
and we meet another
then we are ready to allow them
to let them speak
to be strong and beautiful
to be at peace
with a natural unfolding
without weight of expectation
and the inevitable ability
to disappoint


As we heal our own hidden hunger
we become ready to recognize
the possibility of a relationship of equals
rather than continuing to look for someone
who reflects our longing for what we perceive we lack
We do not need someone younger
because we fear our own aging
someone more beautiful
because we cannot see our own beauty
someone more rich
because we cannot allow our own potential for wealth
We do not need to “borrow” someone else’s joy
or try to become an answer to their pain
We do not attempt to usurp
other relationships in their lives
because we crave what we think they have
and we do not try to fit them
into a predetermined plan that we carry in our minds
but rather stand open to who they really are
even if it means
they do not conform to what makes us comfortable
when we are in unconscious fear


And as we arrive at this place
the habit of finding fault in the other
makes no sense at all
for we realize
that every possibility of love is ours
and we do not need to be something
do something
or pretend anything
in order to find ourselves
in the home of Love


It is your birthright to love and be loved
by a source never to be stolen, lost or denied
And in your search for this way of being
there is no other beginning
than the first experiences
that tried to convince you otherwise
A deep, humble honesty must be cultivated
in order to discover the secrets
of that beautiful little boy
who deserved nothing
but love without conditions
Hear him now
let him be your teacher
and then watch how his truths
will change your ways


Love is always easier than we think
once we see
that the days of protection and pretending are done
It is safe to be true
for all love waits for you
in the readiness
of a new time


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