Dear Adi,

Why am I having so much difficulty
transforming the negative and destructive
dynamic between my daughter and I?                                    

     … Loving Mother

Dear Loving,

It is understandable
that you wish for peace
in your connection with your little one
and yet we ask you to consider
that you are giving one another
what you both need

Hers is the element of fire
Yours is the element of water
Inevitably you must fear these
in one another
but for different reasons

She, as fire
must fear that your coolness
your rain
will put out her flame
You as water however
do not feel your life endangered by hers
yet rather fear the effects of her power
on others
for where you water what is green
she burns what grows
where you attempt to nourish
she lays waste in a burst of flames

As she feels the need to push
and you feel the need to pull
this is your perfection
this is your agreed upon plan
And remember this
dear, loving mother
that in your readiness to stand by
and quench overflowing passion
while you represent the very death
of her excess
you also provide an unconscious safety
for while she rages against you
another part of her wisdom remembers
that you are there to save her
if the flames rise out of control
In this aspect of her expression
you are both her worst nightmare
and her saviour
and that is
exactly what she needs

But I have no memory of this agreement
you cry
I want a loving, gentle mother daughter bond
I want to cuddle
and play
and be sweet together
And yet even as you say this
you know, you KNOW
that she pushes you for a reason
and that within, beneath your great oceans
lives a core of heat
that might even match hers
if you tried
if you allowed
if you dared

In practical terms:
Work with deep honesty to acknowledge
what she stirs in you
and allow no guilt, no self judgement to remain
Name your fears
your embarrassments
your anxiety
and travel only toward the Truth here.
Ask yourself the worst that could happen
and why
it would feel so terrible in your heart
Then ask yourself what might be possible
with a shift within you
toward trust
that her fire is a gift in its unfolding
no matter how it looks through your tears
or before the world

The less you rain upon her
the less she will have to run
to preserve her flame
Establish boundaries according to your needs
for honouring your Self
rather than focusing on controlling her
for her own sake
Fire is the source of heat, fuel, light
but where she burns will always essentially be
her choice and not for you to control
This is the cardinal rule –
before chasing down her needs
you have a right to flow
to swim
to soften
Take the space and time you need for this first
and then you will be much more at peace
when she starts to burn

As she ages
she will find more outlets for her nature
and you will not be the only one
holding the space for her power
Until then know that
while friction is an aspect of the healing path
between you
this does not need to be a source of pain
but can instead become playful
powerful, productive
if you do not fear your own failure
as a mother
And what a source of joy as you watch
her gifts unfold into a beauty
that may be shared

Mothers do not love in search of gratitude
and yet
know this will come
You will one day find great respect
in your differences
as both of you grow

The indication was of a cycle of fiery energy in your daughter that sparks a response in you that she then pushes against. In the exercise of
examining your own fears re her behaviour, the cycle may be broken.
The shift in energy you seek is absolutely possible, though it’s not about
changing her but rather loving, nurturing and healing yourself so you
can be more easily present with the challenging aspects of her gifted
nature. You are here to ground her, just as she is here to pull you out of
an old self.

love, Adi

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