LOVE as PURPOSE: Letter from a Deceased Man to his Wife

… a transmission from a deceased man to his wife

My dear, beautiful child

Forgive me for addressing you this way
for you see
this is how I remember you
this is how I perceive you
even now
in all your gentleness
in all of your sweet heart
and purity of mind
My angel
I have missed you so
I have watched you with longing
and waited
for you to feel me near
I had not realized
that the most difficult part
of my journey onward
would be this parting from you
and I say this
from the Self
that still hesitates
that has not yet stepped beyond
the life we knew
For to be honest
I don’t suppose I really thought about it much
what would happen to us
after we died
I knew we would
there wasn’t much doubt about that
but death was one of many things
I chose not to think about
as a tactical maneuver
in consideration of the fact
that there wasn’t much I could do about it
so why spend time dwelling
on an inevitable concern?
And yet
of course
I avoided reckoning with it
only until I had to
and that is where I find myself
even now
getting used to the idea
that the kingdom I had created
in my own little world
was not something I could translate
or bring with me
into this new reality
where I am separated
from so much that I knew
I have been shown
my dear partner
just how afraid I was
to see the truth of my life
Just how much effort
I put into
creating something
that actually did not exist
but it seemed so important
blindingly important
at the time
And in my passing
all that was stripped away
fell off like an old coat
and I found myself newly naked
as a newborn child
It was a freedom in a way
beyond anything I can express
but it was also a loss
an uncomfortable nothingness
that left me in confusion for a time
while I was given the chance 
to watch
to stay near you
to float alongside my former life
and come to know so many of the things
to which I had been blind
I saw my own stubbornness
greater than any mule
I saw my own fear
of losing control
I saw the terrible importance
I put upon things that mattered
not at all
and I saw the astonishing gifts
present for me every single day
and how I had walked past them
not even stopping to see
what had been given me
despite my pride
I have to say
I wonder now that I was even worthy
of so much beauty

I came to know when I was alive

The graceful comfort of our home

The silent perfection of the trees

The indescribable richness of your 
good meals
The feel of leather and cloth

wood or stone under my hands
The scent of a fire
carried on the wind
Cold against my face
warmth in a hot drink
and above all
the feel of your hand resting upon my shoulder
your tender body
in my embrace
Through every layer of these experiences
through my denials of joy
and my discovery of it
through my fierce work
and my reluctant softness
you were there
always there
like a spring blossom that fearlessly
raises her head from beneath 
the snow
you were yourself
no matter where I was carried
you were You
and in this
you brought a light that knew no darkness
that left no doubt
of the eternal qualities
of love
And now
even when you do not see me
even when you cannot physically feel me near
I do sit with you
I take your cool hand between mine
and I look into your fair eyes
in the hopes that you will feel 
at least
my determined love for you
my persistent gaze
that does not want to let you go
not now
not ever
in this world
For you have shown me
in the most profound way
how the very thing that was my greatest sustenance
my richest resource
could stand so shyly in my awareness
And that in my arrogance
I so rarely dared to speak
the truth of her beauty
the meaning of her name
And so I tell you now
dear wife
dear friend
that I hold you in such love
such admiration and respect
that I know no other soul
who could match your gentle grace
and I value the winning of your heart
more than any other achievement
I accomplished in my life
And I must say
I am not so sure
that I was worthy of it
am worthy even now
for I see you as one
who deserved to be held
with a greater care
than I had within my power
and yet I trust –
I have learned to trust –
that we were perfect
in all things
the dark nights
and the clear mornings
all these were perfect between us
when we see them
through this untroubled light
And so will you accept me now
once more
my beloved girl?
Will you come with me
if I wait for you?
Will you travel with me at my side
so that we may journey together
once again?
I ask for the chance
to be a whole man in your sight
to be what I was
but so much more
and to watch how this awakening in me
might invite a new bravery in you
For there is nothing to fear
I have learned that now
no reason to ever wait
or put aside what we think
we do not deserve
It is all quite the opposite
what I have come to understand
quite different from the rules
I lived by when I was alive
And I let them go
I let them turn to dust
in their temporal nature
for I have found my truer strength
in a humble realization
that my life was filled with love
and Love was its purpose
after all
My love..  be with me again
All you have to do
is agree in your heart
and our souls will find a way
I promise you a new world
a new way
so bright you will not recognize me
until I call your name
And this will be a place without tears
without the hard work
of running away
from what we fear
Live now
with this knowledge
and the rest of your days
will be full of the peace
you so richly deserve
and I will be waiting
One joy evolving
into the next
as time stands still
and our love comes home
Forgive me
keep loving me
and know I am forever yours
and from her to him…
I hear your words
and I see your face
and there is a part of me
that is almost afraid to believe
it is really you
and yet in my heart
I have known what you say
I have known these truths about you
all along
It is true
that I lived my life
in a traditional way
that I was bound by habits
that were passed down
from times before
and I did not think to remake them
according to my own desires
because that would have seemed selfish
as if I were rejecting
what was given me
And it seemed
that in this
we were a good match
we understood one another
and we knew what to expect
It was like an unspoken agreement
by which we lived out every day
and then months
and then years
always following
our unacknowledged plan
I have no regrets in this
dear one
none at all
because I too see
how rich our lives have been
in so many ways
And I chose the role
that was comfortable for me
and I believe our marriage
was a good one
It matters not
what anyone else thinks they saw
I would much rather have had
a life like ours
than what I see young people living
and I am grateful for all your very hard work
the way you took charge
and claimed your responsibilities
the way you loved us with your care
every single day
Your leaving was very hard
because a part of me had to leave
with you
I could not sustain the balance
that we had
when we were two
And so I am now faced
with a strange kind of freedom
something perhaps beautiful
but most of all
very new
There is a space for myself now
just me
that I’m not sure I want
and yet as you say
it is the way of things
and I must trust
I will do my best to make you proud
When I hear your words
I know what you say
that I have new strengths
that I must learn to allow
But above all
I will hold tight
to the union that was ours
and the idea that we can remake it

meet again in the non-physical world

This is such an extraordinary idea
and yet one that makes 
perfect sense
and brings such a smile
to my heart
for like you
I have seen things anew 
since your leaving
and I have come to 
know myself better
in my fears
and my loves
It is rather perfect
isn’t it
after all
and I also want you to hear
from my own place of waiting
that you owe me
no apology
and no forgiveness could possibly
be with-held
I see us too clearly
and I remember you
too well
For you may have fooled yourself
my dear
but you did not fool me
not for one minute
of one hour
in all the days
we loved one another
I too am yours
beyond this life
beyond this time
Be at peace
I beg you
Trust in me
as I always trusted in you
and let us continue
as we are meant to
Two reflections
in one prism
that holds all the dark
and all the light
I hear you
I feel you now
© Cynthia Long