FEAR OF BEAUTY Transmission excerpt

Once upon a time
there was a sweet girl
and she was hopeful
that if she behaved well
if she did her work and spoke with respect
that she would be blessed
and life would be good
She was a beautiful child
so beautiful that heads would turn
wherever she walked
and yet she did not notice this
she did not see how she was appreciated
because she had not yet learned
to value herself
And so when she heard the whispers of admiration
she thought, oh
they must be speaking about someone other than me
And when she caught a glimpse of her own reflection
she turned away
not letting herself see
For somehow her own beauty felt dangerous
too much
too powerful
too unfamiliar a match to what she felt inside
and so she ignored it at first
and then began to be ashamed of it
as if it were a source of shame
not a blessing
but a curse
Somehow she came to see her beauty
as a flaw
and this flaw as her own fault
so afraid was she
of her natural power
so convinced was she
by the lies
her forefathers had told
And inside she vowed she would be virtuous
for this was better 
than being beautiful
safer
and more likely to bring to her
the loved she so lacked
But of course
love cannot be bought or won
it must be fed from within
and when she denied herself
she denied any love of self
and the immense sadness of this
made it impossible for her to claim virtue either
for she could now only see
the ways in which she had failed
and as such
the many ways she was not deserving
of Love
All was backwards
all was turned around
so that approval was everything
and self understanding held no sway
and this recipe for unhappiness
took her to a place
where she could no longer see herself
with any objectivity
All she felt when she looked at herself
was the weight of so many years
the words of so many 
who had come before
saying
you cannot do it
you are delusional to even try
We ask you dear one
can you recognize this child?
Can you see her pain?
But more than that
can you see her inherent beauty?
And can you see the true power that she bears?
For the false teachings that were given her
when she was so small
the control of her pure and hopeful ways
was all out of fear
all rooted in fear
fear of her beauty
fear of her power
fear that she would see who she really was
and try to escape
their cage
You
dear one
were a dangerous child
in the eyes of those 
who loved you
for your beauty was too much for them
it made them fear your loss
it made them fear 
their own hunger
to have what you held
and so they denied you
and told you that you had to deny yourself
and they were so strong in this punishment
that you felt terror in your heart
and made a promise to do
whatever it took
whatever they asked
if it meant you could hold on
to love
But of course
wise one that you are
you are growing to see
that this is an impossible task
akin to asking a flower to grow
by hiding it from the sun
for your Love lives within you
your Love is at the very heart of you
your Love is who you really are
and not only do you not need to go searching for it
outside of yourself
you simply cannot find it
until you dare to open your eyes wide
wider than they have ever been
and see the Love inside
You have been living a life
viewing your own reflection
as if in a funhouse mirror
until the distortion became so great
you no longer recognize what is real
But we are here to tell you
that what is real
is your beauty
what is real
is your power
and what is real
is your birthright of worthiness
for freedom
for joy
and for the constant embrace of Love
So we counsel you now
to begin gently
for this process will not be an easy one
so comfortable are you
with the old ways
Your feet have been bound
and it will hurt
it will make you stumble
to unbind them
Your body has been corseted
and you will feel unsupported as you cut the ties
Your eyes have been shielded by dark glasses
and you will weep at the sight of the sun
when you turn toward it
but it must be done
it must be done
We tell you again
it must be done
We ask you to surround yourself
with those who will reflect the truth to you
who will be a true mirror
as you gather your strength to smash the old
We ask you to use your mind
to speak to your heart
to remind yourself every day
that your self-judgments are not to be trusted
and that you are not the person
you think you have been
for most of your life
We ask you to aim high
so high that it takes your breath away
makes you fall to your knees
fills your belly with terror
because in order for you 
to draw even close
to the target of the truth
you will have to shoot 
far beyond it
into a faraway piece of the sky
in order to reveal the beauty
that is actually yours to hold
We ask you to be extravagant
in ways you have never allowed yourself
to push the boundaries of your comfort
to give to yourself
in the ways you so easily give to others
and watch how you cringe
watch how hard it is
for you to accept what you really deserve
You are building a new muscle
breaking new ground
and while we ask you 
to be gentle with your heart
be fierce with your love
You cannot feed yourself
too many riches in this time
you cannot care for yourself
too much
You are indeed
the abused animal
who has learned to stay in the corner
because coming forward 
is too great a risk
and so you cannot give this creature within you
too many treats
too many cuddles
too much permission
to receive..
Through all this
practice a blind trust
that you cannot know the outcome
that this brave process is enough
and that joy need wait no longer
for it starts with you
right now
right here
this very day
Never again
is there any reason
for you not to laugh
to dance
and play
Bring that little girl home with you
dear one
hold her fast in your arms
and promise to never, ever
let her go again
She is yours
she is you
she is all beauty, power and grace
and yours is the courage
to teach her so
and thus begin a new day


© Cynthia Long 2012
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