TRUSTING FEAR Transmission on Flight, Fright and Containment

Tell me of not wanting to be here… 

It could be said
that all fear
is the fear of loss of love
in particular
separation from Divine love
the awareness that we are One
with our Creator
And yet this fear
wears many faces
though they speak the same language
achieve the same end
The same soul
may touch them all
as the pendulum swings


One day it may be
that we hold tight
with the death grip of desperation
convinced that if we let go
we will never survive
we will be lost to all joy and light
and our very sense of Self
will crumble to dust
The next day
we may run with all our might
wearing our armour
building our walls
promising the Self
that no one will ever get in
we are too strong
too capable
too busy and right
And of course the irony is
on the days when we cling
we push away the very thing we seek
we cut off the natural flow of trust
and delight
we become blind to the possibility
that as we offer an open hand
all answers may drop within
that love does not live in any one heart
but rather everywhere we turn
And on the days we flee
the delusion rides high
all our energy poured
into the facade
as again we create
the very thing we fear
alone in the tower
severed from connection
and the comfort of trust

This dance effectively stops us
from being still long enough
to actually be present in the truth
that middle ground
where we need not run
nor seek
nor hide
Where instead our own peace
attracts light without effort
and our willingness to witness love
fills us up with it
like a river
set free
into the desert of life

There is an answer
and as always
it asks us to enter
the very place
we have worked so hard to deny
so deep with challenge
and yet so simple to apply
On the days we are filled
with the impulse to run away
these are the very days
we are asked to stand and stay
On the days we are filled
with the compulsion to hold tight
these are the very days
we must surrender our grasp
and let the beloved
take flight
In every moment
to claim the courage to allow
all the heart has to say, to scream
To discern the difference
between protection and wisdom
To trust most deeply
what inspires the most fear

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The greatest challenge
of this journey toward truth
is the humbling descent
into our own misconceptions
to witness how hard we have tried
to not feel what we feel
be done with the pain
be vulnerable no more
To tell ourselves with brutal honesty
that the aspects of self
we once held with pride
are the very tools
of our own demise

But yet
but yet
beautiful, beautiful soul that you are
the defence must match the power
which waits to be unleashed
and you who have now discovered
the walls of paper
the clouds of tissue
and the imminence of fire
You are the very one
who will soar in an explosion of colour
but this time true
this time effortless
when you step off the edge
and drop into the abyss
to find the very God and Goddess you seek
patiently waiting there

It is the walk of one
who has nothing to lose
and here lies your homelessness
here lies your discovery of Home
You have so long denied yourself
the simple pleasure of loving shelter
because you were so sure
it would be taken from you
you wanted to leave first
before anyone could lock you out
and all the while
the key is in your hand
the key is your heart
there is no mother
no man
who can abandon you now
all suffering is history
the nightmare is done dreaming
daylight is coming
on the other side
of fear


Again the recipe:
enter the very cave
wherein lives the bear
no other one will do
But take with you
all the love for which you long
as it surrounds in safety
holds you in the invisibility
of what you are soon ready
to see

When it seems you are afraid of containment
it is actually the emptiness you dread
and a new stillness will teach you this truth
Stay, most wise and courageous angel
stay in the place which has seemed so bereft
for here you will find
the very abundance you seek
When fuelled by fear
flight is no liberation
but rather becomes banishment
in the guise of freedom
When it seems the gods on high
hold your bliss
find them abiding
within your own heart
not from any other world
When it seems that to be plain
like the dove
is the death of the bird of paradise
know that here lies your peace
and no beauty greater
in the eyes of any man
When it seems that to give away the self
is to bring you closer to Spirit
know that first you must claim the Self
before you have anything to give

William_Turner-_The_Angel,_Standing_in_the_Sun (1)

You are among the most pure
of all Creation’s births
but to know this
you must dare to gestate
in the womb of the Great Mother
until you know
that you will not be cast out
before your readiness
you will not be harmed
where in Trust you lie

Stay sweet Heart
Stay and let the truth love you
as you have always deserved
to be loved

AdiKanda – Aug/15


Healing Sexual Shame 2 – New Video

When fear festers at a deep level over lifetimes of sanctioned cultural and religious repression, it shows up as the lowest of all vibrations, toxic shame. If you think this is not an issue for you, think again. Shame is so uncomfortable to feel, most of us have become very good at pushing it under, often going to extremes to hide it. Some of the most “free spirited” souls are actually harbouring crippling shame, and they are doing all they can to counter it with distracting behaviour. Then there are those who have at least witnessed the tip of the iceberg, who hold memories of being hurt, exposed or chastised, or who suffer from anxiety, depression, sexual dysfunction or related health issues. The rampant breast, ovarian and prostate cancer in our species is not just an environmental concern. When we liberate our second chakra energy, we liberate our life force, enhancing creativity and a vitality which touches every aspect of our lives.

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This video is based on a recording of a live transmission by AdiKanda at a Healing Sexual Shame Life Drawing event in Toronto. Hang music by Iven Simonetti. Please contact Adi for info about upcoming events in Toronto.



When we discuss spirituality we seldom make space for the graphic details. We talk about healing, and light and love, and compassion and kindness and joy. We reach for transformation and ascension and attainment of awareness, and so rarely along this path do we tell the full on truth about what it really takes to walk it.

We live out our days as if what you see is what you get; we believe in the face in the mirror without imagining what is there to be found behind it, and behind the next mirror, and the next and the next after that. Science tells us that measurable experience is our meter of the truth, and yet every measurement we take washes through the filter of our present moment energetic timbre. If we play our E string, everything around us that is a vibrational match to that E string will also vibrate at the frequency of E, and we might think that the whole world is but an E until the day we lift the bow and land on the G string, and suddenly it is time for G to be heard…

A key tenet of my work is the understanding of energetic movement within our own field, the role of the emotions to reflect and guide it, and the power of cleansing cellular memories which have trapped us in repetitive patterns, such release setting free the fulfillment of our soul’s desires. When we allow ourselves to look at life through this layered perspective, we truly expand our awareness, granting multi-dimensional meaning. We go from a simple snapshot, to a widescreen movie with surround sound. We pull out the full length of the telescope. We inform ourselves with history.  We have a vastly more clear view because we stand on higher ground.


Last night I watched a viral video on Facebook of a police officer shooting a man’s dog. Leon Rosby, a black man who had experience with the Hawthorne police department had allegedly been interfering with police activity at a crime scene, playing loud music from his car, heckling the police with requests for more black officers to be hired on the force, telling bystanders to watch the police, and apparently making enough trouble that the police decided to arrest him.

Rosby calmly put his Rottweiler, Max, into the back seat of his car as two officers approached.  He then walked to the officers, turned and extended his hands behind his back, and they proceeded to handcuff him easily. From the video it seems the police began to use some unnecessary force, as Rosby’s waiting dog felt the tense situation from inside the car and managed to climb out a window, concerned for his master. Max approached the officers, moving slowly but seeming to threaten them. Rosby called out repeatedly, “Please don’t shoot my dog.” There has been a great deal of controversy about what happened next, but from the video it certainly seems that the police could have given Leon Rosby the chance to return Max to the car. But in a moment of choice, one of the officers pulled out his gun and shot the dog repeatedly, at point blank range.

The big dog reeled to the ground, his legs spinning wildly in an attempt to run from what had already been done to his body, in the midst of his instinctive urge to protect the man he loved. I will never forget that image. I turned off the video then, but it has played in my head a hundred times since.  The choice Rosby made to insert himself in the situation, putting Max at risk. The choice of that police officer, and the use of his anointed power. The choice of a dog who gave his life in defence of the man he loved.

The shock to my heart of witnessing this scene entered deeply. The pain of it permeated my waking hours and my dreams. I had seen more than just a tragic moment on a Facebook video, I had touched a cellular nerve in my own energy field, a moment in time that reflected both the expression of my fear and the power of my soul purpose – two polarities which are ironically never far apart in this human playground.

The pain living in the broken hearts of men is the greatest global wound on our planet at this time. This was a familiar polarized situation, a black man with a big dog, a white cop with a gun.  And yet there were so many other choices which could have been made, so many other ways to respond to the loyalty and love of an animal, rather than maim or kill the innocent in order to assert power.

This response is a classic example of what fear does when it lives in denial for so long – it seeks an outlet, a way to reinforce its own claim. Virulent fear attempts to bury the evidence of love, because love has become too dangerous, too foreign. We must crush vulnerability in the hopes that we are never forced to look at our own.


As a mother, I have vividly witnessed this projection and reflexive wounding unleashed upon my own sons and their friends. I have watched auric fields be smashed. I have witnessed senseless trauma be passed on from man to man, father to son, over and over, seeking relief in the sharing of the misery of what has been done before.  And I have known the horrific powerlessness of the Feminine observer – seemingly unable to stop the cycle, standing and watching and waiting for the Masculine to wake up, to say enough, to let his own heart be heard.  And I have done my own reeling, spinning my legs in an attempt to run from the fear and the pain of being in this dimensional reality, where we must surrender to our very core, to find meaning in the suffering we must all witness before we die.

But I write today to share my journey with this one, short video.  In my own practice of energetic release, I was able to touch the root of the experience for me. I was able to let myself look at that scene in my mind’s eye, until the pain of it erupted in a volcanic release of empathic grief. I know that pain well, and in the final analysis, it is always our own pain to which we respond. I had to grieve the part of me that suffered when my children suffered, and all that it touched in my powerless child within. I had to acknowledge my own role as witness, in helplessness, to clear this cellular mirage and step into my own purpose in the transmutation of such violent fear. My alignment with my fearless self assists the liberation of that dog, on a vibrational level. My brutal honesty with myself regarding my own vulnerability gets my energy unstuck, and like the Tin Man, oiling my joints is necessary for me to get back to the search for my heart, on the road to Oz.

I can now play reruns of that painful video in my head, and there is no remaining primal stab of emotional pain penetrating my chest and belly. I still would reach through the computer screen to hold Max in my own arms if I could. I still would hold his master too, and whisper into his ear that he is loved, despite the battles he has chosen to fight. I would also extend my arms to the police officer who took away life and love that day, and then of course, I eternally reach to hold my own sons through their transformations, in this energetic embrace.

And I now know why I had to watch that brutal film. Awareness is everything. Consciousness leads, through surrender beneath the limits of our pain, to access the strength which allows us to make change.

One step closer to the meaning and purpose of every moment, I have witnessed my own vulnerability and walked right into it, another story of compassion born. Even here, in this reeling, churning, turning world. As a mother I know, Love is All.

Much love, Adi

The Blindness of Sleep

The Awakening (1980) is a 70-foot (21 m) statue of a giant embedded in the earth, struggling to free himself, located at National Harbor, Maryland, USA, created by J. Seward Johnson Jr.

It is morning. You have made it through another night and once again the light appears. What do you feel in the moments before you open your eyes? 

What do you fear in the freedom of the unconscious before the world makes itself known? If your consciousness swims in stories of the suffering of others which you cannot repair, pain that will not abate, you are not here to be the one who saves them but rather to learn to be at peace with the illusion of their struggle. Your compassion cannot cure them, but your trust in their journey may set them free.

Are you one who dreams of your own destruction? Are you chased by predators who seek the reward of your capture? Then you are not here to outrun them, to find safety and protection, but rather to turn and face their brutality, to make them dissolve as you name them, for they are the ones who forge your strength, they are the makers of your safety within.

Does the dark fill with expressions of emptiness wherein the flow of creation ceases, lack steals away all comfort and in this abandonment you discover a self-hatred so deep that it seems you were never worthy of money, beauty, plenty or even love? For in spite of the song, it is love we seek with our money, the sense of being valued not only by the world, but by our gods. In this way the lack you fear may never be filled up by hard work, luck or fame. It has come instead as a witness to your own emptiness and like the Mockingbird will call back to you, exactly what you have to say.


Do you open your eyes in the morning, only to see? Do you listen, always to hear? Do you grant yourself time to let the tumult of fears rise, mist on the lake, so that the greater truth of all order and perfection may be found? I promise you it awaits, like a clear dawn after the storm. There is nothing else to do except to trust in what you have yet to know. It is the blindness of sleep which will take you there.

Love, Adi


Transmission regarding Angelina Jolie’s double mastectomy…

How we love to hate
this mortal flesh
when it disappoints
and decays
And yet
all beauty is in the eye
of the believer
our very bodies
works of art
by our own inner sculptor


Every birth
every baby
heralds a new opportunity
for an incarnating soul
to face and transmute fear
Every aspect of that birth
of that chosen physical form
is a gift in all its wonder
and suffering

The primary fear that each living being faces
is that of destruction and death
for it is the counterpoint to the life
we have come here to seek
and in that seeking
forgetting our eternal natures
so that we may instead
focus upon the work at hand
of this material dream

And in our forgetting
we equate physical life with Love
and Love with survival
which only magnifies
and perpetuates our fear
The truth is that Love is eternal
and each expression of form
is the light of one candle
with the power to touch wick after wick
the flame never diminishing
but rather illuminating
until infinity is born

The blindness of birth into a body
is akin to a bird in a nest
eyes tightly shut
beak open wide
waiting for the gift of sustenance
from the Mother
not yet awake
not yet aware
of the power
of one’s own wings to fly
It is from this place of fear
that we walk
from this place of fear
that we sleep
from this place of fear
that we attempt
to think our way
out of our fear
with solutions and prescriptions
and the comforts of science
severed from intuitive knowing
and divine trust

It is also from this place of fear
that we blame the very bodies
with which we are blessed to walk
when the physical form reminds us
of the fear we hold on a level of heart and spirit
It is a human habit to hate
what makes us suffer
rather than surrender to our own
limitless power of choice

And truly if only it could be seen
and understood
just how much time and energy is wasted
in this fruitless self blame
like the man who weeps
and whips himself
for lack of water
even as he stands
upon the shore
of an infinite, pure lake

This demonizing of the Self
is the one curse of Man and Womankind
it is a spell that has been cast
and yet must be undone
It is woven into the governments
the hospitals and banks
the schools and the churches
It lives within marriages
medicine and music
it poisons the waters
and fouls the air
And thus the healing of it must become
the one focus of every meditation
every dream
every prayer

The pain of this Self hatred is so great
vast numbers cannot even recognize it
within themselves
for to look it in the eye
is to face the devil
and a darkness so great
it would seem to ultimately destroy
and so rather than give effort
to understanding the myriad ways
self loathing manifests
in experiences
and in the physical body itself
all attention is given to a greater and greater denial
whole industries built
upon various means

So if you ask what potential disease lives
in the breast of a woman
any woman
this cannot be answered
without a journey into her heart
and the fears she has carried forward
into this life
her own
those of her culture
and those of her mother
and her mother’s mother
for fear is so readily shared
even under the guise of love

The breast is the symbol of great blessing
the nourishment of all life
and complete comfort to the soul
The breast is a source of love without conditions
without end
for a mother loves her child
as Divine Spirit loves us all
When men identify the breast
as an erotic pleasure
it is their way of giving permission
for their masculinity
to be nurtured
through the hunger of the child
their gender holding them
in a stimulating
and contrasting reflection to the feminine
which may carry them even further
from unconditional love
And when women deny their breasts
whatever their appearance or nature
they deny their own infant terror
and their readiness to mother others in turn

This is the significance of medical and social fashions
wherein women have been led away
from their birthright to suckle their own young
This is the power of mass sexualization of the breast
a vivid measure of a hungry species
so far from the truth of unconditional love

And when breasts become poisoned
when the flesh of the breast forms a tumour
a solid mass of cells that multiply and threaten to kill
it is a cry
it is a scream of defiance
as the body attempts to protect itself
to say no
I reject this poisonous perception
and I will fight to the death
if I must

And of course when we poison our Great Mother
pour toxins into her veins
leak them into her organs
infuse them into her breath
these also will be reflected in the bodies of her children
for we have no choice
but to be one with our Earth

So look also to the sexual cancers of women and men
to the diseases of blood, skin and bone
to the failures of the physical heart
to the corruption of the gut
to the many broken spirits and minds
who have lost all faith in Love
and each time
you will be led back and back
to the question of self hatred and shame
and so we ask
can it ever be an answer
to take a knife
and cut away the flesh
in response to such profound
spiritual pain?

The removal of a body part in this way
is on an unconscious level no different
from the child who cannot make the toy work
and so he throws it upon the ground
and breaks it
stamps upon it
to make sure it will never function again
driven by rage
and ultimately fear that he is not deserving of joy
he blames what was once the object of his affection
and wants no one to have it
if it cannot be his
to claim
The impulse of destruction
seems the only answer
to what he cannot control
what will not behave

And in a medical model so dominated
by fearful beliefs
there is a sanctioned violence here
that mimics the brutalization
found in the sexualized maiming of women
throughout the history of masculine rule
The constructs of medical science
are rooted in an attempt to control fear
all intuition
all passion
all that holds archetypal feminine energy
for this is seen as the source
of danger
and ultimately loss of life
In this way breasts are especially treacherous
as are women’s reproductive organs
and women’s sexual power, pleasure and strength

Yet by following this path
we are taken ever further from the truth of healing
into an even greater fear and egotistic need
to be the saviour
of the miserable and suffering
who cannot help themselves
To continue to hold the power
over those who willingly submit
to treatments that poison and maim
out of ignorance and passivity
Indeed very dark forces now dominate
much of what has been called “modern medicine”
these energies consciously seek to increase suffering
and feed upon the resulting fear

And yet of course
the final answer
the only answer
must lie within the Self
within the life essence
of each being as they come forth into form
And while we may offer counsel and teachings
and loving support to assist in the creation
of a mutual field of healing
there is no one who can alter
an individual’s soul choice
of whether and how
they will live or die
Each may awaken
or each may sleep
and with every waking
more light is brought forth
beckoning a resonant truth in the collective
to dare
to be courageous
to simply open our eyes

In this way
we also choose our own fear
and our own beliefs about what will save us
from what we think we lack
And so a woman who removes her breasts
has made a choice
about where she places her faith
and this very belief
may indeed create
the fulfillment of her wish
But is this act
a solution to the plague of toxic energy
faced by all women
all men in their own way?

It is rather another distraction
and only a reflection of one woman’s choice
to excise her own wound
her own debt of unconditional love
by listening to the counsel
of those who have less understanding than she
of the actual state of her body/mind

Her action is an aspect
of her suffering
and need not be a model
for other women in kind
Let us instead
turn our attention
to the increasing power
given every day
through rising planetary vibrations
a force that continues to push these toxins
up and out into our awareness
to be honoured
and released into the natural cleansing
our Mother gives us
through her unending maternal love
Let us also witness
how this cleanse makes way
for a greater creative power
than we have ever seen before
as we align with her
and give birth with her
to all of our desires and dreams

The breast of the Mother awaits us
her milk is richer than ever before
We have been born into a time
where Love can heal anything
and it is up to us
to find this kind of courage
in the face of our suffering
and illusions of lack

Love is the only answer
in all its forms

with love, Adi



All grief is in its essence
rooted in the belief in loss
We have known love
and we lose it
through death, separation or heartbreak
And in this we perceive ourselves
as once again alone
once again without the safety
of the divine wholeness
which love brings

And yet loss is perhaps
our greatest teacher
It reveals to us
the undiagnosed caverns of fear
we hold within
When we tear away
a piece of the human personality
We do not create fear
we find it waiting
and once loss is revealed
we are now given hope for its final resolution
as we once again discover
that all love lives within

The danger of our nakedness
Is the illusion
for we were born naked and naked we die
And just imagine the freedom to live
without expectation in this awareness
where nothing can be removed
because all is impermanent
All is the dream
All else is a lie

If I told you that forever
you could touch and hold
everything and everyone you fear you have lost
That your separation from them
is but the theater of human consciousness
and in truth they wait only for you to see
that the truth of all life
is the ecstasy of Love
eternal, immortal
without boundaries or time

And that in your choosing to release what you fear to lose
only then may you drop naked
into the waiting arms of Love
every act of trust
a deepening surrender into the embrace of Mother
soft, warm, safe, adoring
perfect witness to your immeasurable beauty
she has birthed you
She is with you
She never ever lets you go

Then perhaps you would finally accept
that every other lover
every other desire
is but a pathway into her embrace
Human loss as the cold wind which wakes us up
and then returns us
Into the soft warm bed
where we were once born
eternally alive

We can no more be separate from Love
than the spark can be separate from the fire
It is the purpose of our human consciousness
to make this discovery
and never again fall into the blindness
of inhuman fear
All that you dream
Is already here

Twelve Commandments for times of crisis, trauma and growth.

On the eve of the Full Moon I wanted to share these thoughts once more.

Our Mother Earth is shifting, spirit is rising, and we are all experiencing intense energies which push our fears out of darkness, into light. Crisis looms, and our strength is tested. There are nights when the darkness is enveloping, when we feel so alone, when the future looks hopeless and we lose sight of possibility. It may be the passing of a loved one, a rejection by a lover, a lost friendship or bad news about health or money, but at times we are asked to face painful circumstances that can take us on a downward spiral into depression and despair. Here are twelve potent suggestions of what to do in the weeks, days and moments when your inner resources seem depleted and your heart too tired to make it till morning.


What Do I Do Now?

  1. We are here to let go of our fear and learn to trust, and that trust must be blind. You may not see the answer to your question or the end to your pain in this moment, but that does not mean it doesn’t exist. Even on the darkest of days, perhaps especially in the darkest of nights, you are safe, you are loved, you are where you are meant to be.
  2. All suffering is rooted in a perception of lack, and often if we look deeply enough, it is ourselves we find lacking. When we lose a loved one to death or a lover to disinterest, what we grieve the most is our sense of the Self we once were, in relation to those whom we have lost. Know that you are beautiful and perfect in all your evolutions, and any other thoughts you have are the illusion that leaves you like a mist off a lake as you mourn. Surrender and soften beneath any self judgement till you let the grief, rage and shame find a voice. Weep truthfully and plentifully, or laugh until you do.
  3. There is nothing more important right now than nurturing, feeding, healing yourself. You can only fulfill your soul’s purpose and authentically serve others to the degree that you have liberated your own health and joy. Know that anything that gets in the way of of your well being is a distraction arising out of the fear that you are not worthy of time, space, tenderness or peace.
  4. Bring your attention to silence for it is out of deep silence that the truth may be heard, and the truth is all you really need to feel safe again. Listen closely, and you will find it.
  5. Peace does not happen by accident, it must be claimed. Remaining in self denial may seem temptingly safe, but it will trap you in habits of suffering. The courage to speak out loud in honour of your own healing, your own right to peace must be found.
  6. Your creative Self is your power. It is not a guilty pleasure but the essence of your future. Becoming conscious of how you are creating everything is the most important act of your days and nights. You will conquer and heal with your art, whatever it may be.
  7. Love is the answer to fear. Your body cannot hold both at once, so when you open your heart to a full warmth, to love and be loved, fear is banished. This can be a conscious, creative, daily exercise, or it may be invoked through meditation and prayer.
  8. Designate specific, protected time for silence, creative work, rest and being in nature. Set up a means to concretely implement a structure in your days, one that will hold you to this nurturing routine.
  9. Allow yourself joy, fun, play and laughter. These still exist in you and are always accessible, even in times of stress, loss and anxiety. They can make the difference as to how you navigate crisis, and they are the balance to the pain of life. Invite them as much and as often as possible, without apology.
  10. Honour your physical body as a gift. Care for it as you would a beloved.
  11. Look around you and let yourself witness the blessings you have, in this very moment. Love them. Use them. Acknowledge them. Be in constant appreciation and you cannot help but invite further blessings to unfold.
  12. Remember this material life truly is a piece of theatre and once liberated from it, you will look back upon the costumes and the illusion and find that beneath it all is an immortal, encompassing Love.

My favourite of these  to consider is that inviting Love is the answer to Fear. It is easy to be stubborn, to refuse to allow Love in when we are afraid, grieving, or raging in our hearts, and yet when we do, walls fall down and arms open, including our own.

My favourite of these to implement is to remember that my creative self is my power. So with that in mind, I am off now to prepare for our monthly Full Moon gathering where we will receive, chant, tone, sing and celebrate Love.

In honour of the power of our art to heal, here is a heart-opening tune of sweet homage called Your Love is Beautiful, by Ashley Condon.

Picture 4

much love, Adi